Behind the mask

People are starting to read my book. My personal, vulnerable, honest book. I love that people are starting to read my book. It was, of course, the plan all along. But also, well...also, it scares me.

When it was just me and my computer, it was really easy to be honest. It was easy to pour out whatever was on my mind, whatever I was feeling, whatever was in my heart.

My dad has been working hard at selling copies. He kept a list of some of the people who had bought them and as he read me some of the names, a lot of what dominated my thoughts was along the lines of, "argh!! They're going to know that about me and this about me and about when I did that and when that happened!" Many of them were people who have known me since I was a little girl. People who, when they asked me how I was, I would always give them the standard answers, the positive spins, the good things.Am I ok with them knowing that much detail?

I had to take a bit of a step back and remember my goals and purposes for writing. One of the main reasons I wrote what I did was because I get fed up with masks. I get fed up with hiding

behind a shiny, happy face and pretending I'm perfect . I get fed up with being surrounded by shiny, happy perfect people. I get fed up with feeling like I can't show any weakness. It's exhausting, just plain exhausting.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we should all go around telling every person we meet our deepest, darkest secrets and issues. All I'm saying is that it's ok not to be ok. If things aren't going well...if you're having a bad day...if you're sad...if you're hurting...if you're angry...if you're confused...if you're lost...chances are that half the people around you are too.

Because we all wear masks at one point or another...masks that say, "I never mess up", "my life is always good", "I never fail", "I cannot be hurt", "I'm not scared".

What if you let your guard down for a second? And what if, by letting your guard down, you started a chain reaction: a chain of honesty, a chain of vulnerability, a chain where no one wears a mask, a chain where everyone breathes a sigh of relief, where everyone says, "finally, finally I can be me, finally I don't have to put on my perfect face, I don't have to pretend."

I'm not sure if that's how it will work, but that's my hope. I hope to hear lots of relieved sighs. It isn't easy being vulnerable, it isn't easy admitting you're not perfect, but, the thing is, we kind of already know you're not. So, go on, admit it. When you do, you might just find you give someone else the permission to do the same.